Nurturing friendship if our values conflict
We are all pretty familiar with the power of friendship; the joy of empathy and shared interactions, the exchange of experiences with someone who knows us, time spent together for laughter and tears. But what happens when our friends begin to see the world through a different lens than we do? When those hard-won truths that have cost us tears, don’t align? Can we still be friends when our values clash? Do our friends need to share our values?
Someone once said that when your values are clear to you, making decisions is easier.
It can be useful to observe our own values and evaluate how important this value is to me and why. Is it a core value, or just something I think I should have at this age or stage in life?
A little reflection on our value system and on the person we want to become can enable us to consider more about what we want from our relationships.
What’s our expectation of friendship?
Aristotle once said that true friendship takes place when friends value each other for their own sake and want the good of the other. So perhaps we might need to reframe the role of a friendship without forcing it into a box or limiting it. It might help to ask ourselves what do we value in each particular friendship? Some friends are good for a laugh, others are there for a night out, and other friends can offer emotional support - no one friend can do everything and be everything for us. And the same with us when it comes to our friends. Knowing our own limits - and that of our friends - can provide us with the wisdom to manage a friendship a little better.
Do differences strengthen a friendship?
Carlo Acutis, the young Italian teenager who was recently canonised, once said “we are all born unique, but some of us will die as photocopies.” Friendship is about loving another as they are; it’s not about making the person the same as us. It’s about mutual respect and being able to stand by someone when they are in trouble. Friendship doesn’t withdraw when the going gets rough. It is a healthy give-and-take, and it’s not about winning or losing. This may mean that we have to learn how to listen a bit better, or how to be really there for someone who needs us, or learn how to empathise a bit better, or offer support to someone. True friendship stands firm in adversity, even when this might entail a change in perspective for us or them. So when our values do cause conflict, what can we do?
Embrace differences - remind yourself that friends can’t be carbon copies of each other.
Seek a compromise - if there is a problem, is there a way you can meet in the middle?
Choose Respect over Reaction - perhaps we need to remember how important our friendship is with this person and make sure our disagreements come from a place of respect.
Ask ourselves - what do I give to this friendship? What can I learn from this friendship?
Being genuine and true
Many times, offering the witness of a steady consistency in our values can be more powerful than persuasive speeches or rhetoric. Steady, quiet conviction can plant a bigger seed sometimes than heady eloquence or even deeds. As I grew older, having faith and a belief in God became important values for me. One of my closest and long-standing friends was brought up by parents who had no faith and never practised. Having never had the witness of faith she finds belief in a divine presence utterly alien to her. Yet, in spite of this difference in our values, we are still strong friends. We respect each other’s different beliefs - or lack thereof - and still love one another deeply.
True friendship doesn’t require that we be the same. Instead, friendship requires love and the ability to reach out and give of ourselves to another person. Love doesn’t run away when difficulties or obstacles come. Love knows how to stand fast and be present, how to exercise compassion and respect for the dignity of the other person. Our friendships can be maintained when we stop trying to win out and instead start to understand that person a bit more.
