What is love? - CS Lewis on romantic love
Photo by Kateryna Hliznitsova on Unsplash
Following on from the last blog post which examined the philia form of the four loves, this time I would like to focus on romantic love, otherwise known as eros by the Greeks.
In its proper place, eros is a beautiful and true expression of a special type of love. It draws two human beings together in a deep bond that unites them and out of this unity, this ‘oneness’ comes the possibility of ‘another’.
This love has the possibility to take on a human form. A whole other person may enter the world because of the unique love between two persons.
However, one doesn’t have to look far in modern society to see how quickly and how far we have gone from the true meaning of eros. Instead, we see a culture focussed on sensuality, separating eros from a bond and merely focusing on physical pleasure and ‘feeling good’. Modern culture often promotes the attainment of erotic love but often chooses to leave a committed relationship as an ‘opt in’ clause.
Interestingly, young people today are noted to be less likely to be in committed relationships. The iGeneration (roughly those aged 10-27 years old) are reported to be those most unlikely to want to be in a loving relationship. Jean Twenge, the author who famously explored this phenomenon in her book ‘iGen’ described that the iGeneration’s choice of words to “catch feelings” for another person equates the feelings of love to a disease that one would rather not be diagnosed with. Having a significant other in one’s life is seen in a negative light as it has the potential to interfere with the individualistic nature of our current society which encourages us to put ourselves first at all costs. Being in a relationship is seen to compete with the promoted interests of self-care and our own ‘freedom’.
What is love?
So, what is love? Is it a burst of euphoria or is it something deeper? Rather, it’s an action and a choice and far more than simply a feeling.
CS Lewis writes -
“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing…You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go.”
Lewis astutely acknowledges the problems which occur when we rely solely on our feelings. This is directly at odds with our current culture which puts sentimentality at a premium. However, our feelings change. This does not mean we care for a person any less.
Lewis continues -
“… ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God.”
Our modern world often presents commitment as something which competes with our freedom and our autonomy. However, having the freedom to love someone completely, even if it comes at a personal cost, allows us to be part of something greater than ourselves. We see this in real-world examples where people have embraced eros in the form of a committed lifelong relationship.
The power of romantic love
One unlikely example is that of the husband-and-wife duo Dr. Georgios Papanikolaou and his wife Andromachi. Dr. Papanikolaou is credited as the scientist who first discovered ‘the Pap smear’ and was ultimately responsible for the instigation of cervical screening. His wife is known to have been at his side throughout his career and helped propel this pivotal work forward.
Together the couple dedicated their lives to improving the lives of women by persevering in what they believed was a just cause, that of demonstrating to the medical community that regular cervical screening would save the lives of hundreds of thousands of women. His wife Andromachi is even noted to have joined him in his own laboratory, such was her dedication. Dr. Georgios Papanikolaou first discovered the presence of cancerous cervical cells on cells smeared onto glass down a microscope in 1928. It is estimated it took over 20 years before his research was taken seriously by the medical community. However, throughout all of this time when he was noted to frequently lack confidence it was his wife who provided the assurance and support to keep persevering until finally decades later his research was fully accepted. It is now fully implemented in many countries, in turn saving countless lives.
Whilst the idea of a married couple helping to institute cervical screening may seem odd, it demonstrates how the special love of eros can elevate people from focusing on their own selves and rather consciously or subconsciously finding ways to set their love outwards. Even if it comes from something as simple as wanting to support a good idea of a spouse. In its right place, eros has the potential to elevate our love and have a positive impact on the world around us.
Lewis astutely acknowledges the important role that the initial stages of eros love has in ultimately helping a couple dedicate themselves for life to each other. He writes “being in love first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”
Another example of committed love is seen in that of the story of Zita and Blessed Karl of Austria. When they married in 1911, Karl was from the enormously powerful Habsburg-Lorraine dynasty. He had a position of enormous wealth, prestige, and power. At his death, he was exiled to the island of Madeira where he is thought to have died of severe pneumonia. Throughout their married life, Zita is said to have been by his side. From the peak of their royal life at the beginning of the marriage to accompanying him to the trenches in World War I, to following him in his exile to Madeira, no longer a wealthy powerful royal, where he ultimately died, the two remained tremendously dedicated to each other.
Despite the enormous challenges they faced, they remained dedicated to each other to the very end. So much so that the last words he spoke to his wife before he died were “I love you so much”. To this day, their hearts are buried together in a monastery in Switzerland and Karl’s cause for beatification is ongoing.
Called to a higher love
Whilst most of us are not called to make radical scientific discoveries or marry into a royal family, we are all called to a higher love. A love that calls us to more. Thomas Aquinas defined love as ‘the choice to will the good of the other’. Sometimes that choice is difficult and sometimes it’s easy. Either way, it’s a choice and not a feeling.
Every day countless examples of this quiet deep love go unnoticed. However, the quiet work of loving the ones we have in front of us has the ability to help make the world a little bit of a better place for those who follow us. We may not see the results directly but we can be assured that when we allow ourselves to be at the service of others it has an impact.
Sure, this deep quiet love doesn’t feature in rom-com films nor is advertised on dating apps but it is this love, this perseverance in love, which has the power to help us endure. Whilst we may not all be called to experience eros love, we are called to demonstrate the beauty and power of true eros love. Our modern culture needs to catch a glimpse of this virtuous and courageous form of love, even if it is by simply re-telling a story. It may be in the form of listening to an elderly relative or simply reminiscing on those stories (the big and the small simple ones) which remind us of the virtue that is seen in deep eros love.
As CS Lewis writes -
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
It is by acknowledging this sacrificial love and taking the risk to embrace it that the true meaning and value of eros love in all of its totality can be re-captured.
