Becoming my Authentic Self

Maire Cassidy 0:08

Welcome to hearts and minds. This is more Cassidy. What does it mean to be authentic? Great things depend on whether you and I live an authentic real life. But nobody becomes authentic by trying to be someone else. Today, on our guest podcast series, I'm joined by Helen Hughes, who's going to speak to us about becoming my authentic self. Helen's background is in Engineering. But in the last seven years, she is a director of a state agency, the first woman appointed as a director of this agency. And she is now leading and leading on the team. Here very welcome, Helen.

Helen Hughes 0:47

Thanks, Maire, good to be here.

Maire Cassidy 0:48

Let's see for we had you before, of course. So it's great to have people back. It's been a while it's been a while. So can you tell us a little bit Helen, what do you understand by authenticity or being your authentic self, because it is a phrase we hear a lot about, but sometimes I don't know if we really dig into what it means. Yeah.

Helen Hughes 1:04

And I prefer to talk about becoming your authentic self, because it's very much a process and a lifelong process, we don't suddenly be authentic. But the word authentic means genuine, being genuine, honest and true to ourselves. But we have to caveat that by saying being true to our best self, because we, you know, we don't want to give into our the negative traits and to work on the positive traits. So no, as you say, nobody becomes authentic by being trying to be somebody else. And if you if you do do that, it can cause a lot of anxiety. So the happiest way to go through life is being authentic. But to do that, we need to know ourselves and we can deal about, we can talk about that later how to get to know yourself better.

Maire Cassidy 1:53

Because in a funny way, we sometimes think we know ourselves really well. But in fact, we don't give it a lot of time. Can I ask a little bit about the literature? Because I know there's a lot of literature on this. But if you were to talk about, say, consistent, consistent themes in authentic people, what what what would that look like?

Helen Hughes 2:14

So a lot of the research on this area of authenticity is from the from comes from people studying leadership, and what makes good leaders. And I think, you know, we can apply that to even if we're not in a in a strong leadership role, we all are on the path to leadership in whatever form. And, and it's interesting that the, the research is all being related to leadership. So the Harvard Business Review, discuss this whole area of developing your leadership traits. And the study that they showed the common themes are, that authentic people have a strong sense of purpose. And they know themselves, well, it's the first thing, a purpose, so we will come back to purpose. The next thing is that they practice their values and their principles consistently. And they, they're divisible, as well. They action, they live their life, and they act their actions in the workplaces, both with the heart and heads so they don't become too rigid. And also, that they, the other area is that they commit to personal growth. Because that's the becoming part. It's a process and you have to keep out regularly.

Maire Cassidy 3:35

So you started with the purpose basically, is that what you do? You do?

Helen Hughes 3:38

Yeah. Now we all have different aspects of our life. So you know, we have our social family, our work, our intellectual life, you know, physical, you know, all these areas, so we might have a purpose. So in our work, we have to define what is our purpose? And it's very good to think about what contribution Am I making in the workplace? I'll take work for example, what contribution I'm making, now by being myself what contribution could I make. So we have to write statements of purpose, just like an organisation has a statement of purpose and say, What is my purpose in the workplace in my family life in my social life, and actually take take some we have several purposes in our life and take some time to define it could be a one line. For example, at the workshop I asked somebody who I knew was a nurse and she said my purpose is to be provide people centric service and care to people and to be very competent in my work. She had a very clear sense than I asked other people and they hadn't really thought about it. So I'm a public servant. So obviously, my my, my first real purpose is to vehicle Are two public servants for the people of Ireland. So it's fear and then other purposes besides. So that's really on purpose is the starting point. And then the second. So people need to have actually, it's good idea. This is just one way of learning how to be authentic is look at your purpose in those areas, various aspects of your life. And like a statement or strategy. The next area you normally look at is, well, what are your values? So if these leaders are consistently showing that they consistently lived their life consistent with our values, we need to look at our values. And there are lists out there of values that you could we think of things like integrity, honesty, collaboration, there's there are lists you can get, you can say, well, what are my top five values? And you actually say, Okay, what I want honesty or integrity are,

Maire Cassidy 6:02

the hard thing can be to choose values, because there's so many of them.

Helen Hughes 6:05

There's so many - courage would be one, optimism, or you know, so there's lots of values of what are the most important ones. For me, for example, for myself, I think, this whole area of being wholehearted, in what I'm doing. So it's, it's but also being very, you know, integrity, having living integrity, values that, and then after values, then you go into action. But what happens is, most of us go straight to action. And so that's, that's the, a process.

Maire Cassidy 6:40

Yeah, no, very good. I would agree wholeheartedly and to use your body, and with the fact that we do tend to go to action. And is that is that because we just don't think we've time or because it's not very, it doesn't seem very scientific, this process, maybe we don't even trust ourselves to do a good job. But

Helen Hughes 6:54

I think, you know, we're always thinking of resolutions. Fair enough, you know, you know, the, the first of January we do our resolutions, but we don't go the step further about, you know, what were my purpose, and values, and then then to action. And the last thing is action, we go straight to action. So it's very good to have a sort of self audit. But we also then need to look at our personality traits. So if we have personality traits that aren't really serving us very well, that aren't helping us live our values, then we need to identify them that and also look at the trait that may be the biggest obstacle, you know, what is the trait be it impatience is that your biggest obstacle are, you don't listen to people, or you think you know, everything. So the traits are also very important. But the trick is to get to know ourselves.

Maire Cassidy 7:54

And how, like, you know, we can look at the mirror and see something. But oftentimes people can tell us things about ourselves. So we find really, you know, unless it's your mother, which case, he may might go in one ear and out the other of it. What is the best way of getting to know yourself?

Helen Hughes 8:09

Well, I think, you know, there is a little, there's a lots of different ways, there is time, we need time for self reflection, and we need time to look at the day or the week and say, you know, what, where are we going? What, what are we working on or where it areas of improvement. But for me, I just think feedback is golden. And I really appreciate when people give me good feedback and various people throughout my life, all through the life I can. I have lists of people who, who made an impact on me and gave me honest feedback. And it took a lot of Sometimes it took, it was hard for them to get feedback, because I didn't want to listen. And I think Irish people don't particularly like feedback. And we own we're also not very good at perhaps giving feedback. Interesting, but we don't have to listen to everybody's comments and feedback about ourselves. I think the most important thing is to listen to people who's who you respect, you know, you've got your back. And you then, because a lot of people who are just critical and they don't you know, they don't really care about you. So it's the people who care and want you to improve. They're the ones who listened to. And feedback can be painful, but then it usually is, that's usually our biggest trait that we need to work on our virtue, where do we need to build virtue? And I think we have to see it through the lens of how other people because we have blind spots about ourselves. That's normal. There's, it's I think it's called the Johari window or something we all have, we all have a blind spot and we need help in that area. And we think back to people who have helped us and we also need to help others Same time,

Maire Cassidy 10:00

Can I ask how often you've mentioned that you didn't initially like feedback? But now obviously, you really appreciate it. How did that change happen?

Helen Hughes 10:08

And because I saw the value of it. And I also saw how difficult it was for the person giving it sometimes, and they were getting embarrassed. So then I thought, well, they're putting themselves out for me. By doing putting themselves out a night out, I really need, I have a responsibility now, because they've, they've made themselves uncomfortable. They don't like doing it sometimes. And a few years ago, I had three bosses who were always giving me good feedback. And when I got a promotion, we all went out for lunch. And I told them individually, what bits of feedback that I appreciated most from each of them. And they had totally forgotten. And it was really quite, quite moving to lunch we had, because I said like, I really appreciate that. And, and, you know, I think if we can all learn, learn to, to actually appreciate it. I think it will really help us learn to get to know ourselves.

Maire Cassidy 11:09

But of course, it's that great book out there. Yeah, thanks for the feedback. Bye bye, Duke and accountable for the second author. But he actually quotes how much it costs, you know, the global economy, our inability to process feedback. Yeah, I give it and it's just shocking. It's absolutely shocking.

Helen Hughes 11:26

But more I think it's the highest form of charity. Yeah. It's one of the highest forms of charity for that sort of that feedback. Because it's so helpful for people. And yeah, high form of charity.

Maire Cassidy 11:41

It shows great commitment. It definitely does. Yeah. I when we were chatting earlier, I hadn't, I don't want to go back. But you mentioned a quote, by the US chief physician, which I thought was super powerful. Because certainly, if anybody listening to this podcast is thinking, okay, I'd be my authentic self and sort of tempted as a rizona. That quote, when you, when you when you, you know, you read it out yourself, wow, that's really powerful, I think is really worth in this podcast, and even taking the opportunity to actually locate to to read it, because I think it's absolutely wonderful.

Helen Hughes 12:14

Well, when I was preparing for the, for this the workshop on this podcast, I happen to be reading the New York Times, and my sister often sends me articles because she lives in New York. And she mentioned, I mentioned this topic, and she she sent me an article about from the US chief physician, and it really struck me. And I'm going to read it. Now, this is a time when so many people feel we have to be a certain person to build a certain brand, to meet other people's expectations. I think to not be able to who you are, who be who you really are, takes a toll on you. I want to promote a culture that allows people be who they are, without feeling judged or shamed, in which people call it a radical authenticity. And that, and we have to allow people be the way themselves, we should be allowed to be the way we are. And we allow other people be the way are we are. So radical authenticity. It's quite, it's quite a statement. No, definitely, you know, so. And then it's just like, I'm sure we've all had moments in our lives where we knew we weren't being authentic. And we've come maybe out of a meeting or an encounter with somebody who would say, and we feel bad. And we said, Gosh, I should have done this, or I wasn't being true to myself in that situation. And I think we learned from those experiences. So we take note and say, Well, what would I do differently. And the next time, hopefully, we will show up and we will be our true self and we will maybe open our mouth. Because authenticity takes courage. It's also another aspect of authenticity is not comparing yourself with other people because we're all so unique and so different. So this, this thing of comparison can lead to a lot of anxiety. And that's actually what the US chief's physician was saying he was constantly living up to other people's expectations. And that caused him anxiety and stress, which he sees a lot around him in society.

Maire Cassidy 14:23

Very interesting. And as you say, it's great to see it in the literature. Yes, you know, because sometimes you as you say, you have to know yourself, I'm not really being true to myself, where there's an inner tension, you know, which is more than healthy. And you realise there's something wrong here I need to face up to it, you know, I think is very helpful, actually for for people to So how might somebody start, you know, in this process, Helen, you know, we talked about, you know, purpose values. We've talked about self awareness for taking feedback and committing to personal growth. And so the first step is you say is is the reflection piece on who we are

Helen Hughes 15:00

There is more on the Hearts and Minds website, there is a resource from the workshop on in May, and through in this podcast, except that starting with values, sorry, starting with purpose. And this could be your purpose, as I said in social, emotion, emotional, intellectual, all the different aspects of your life, your work, etc. And then so that's the purpose, you have several purposes, we're all got several hats on it, you know, several roles in our life. And, and then the values that are most important to us. And then an audit on the where we are in which virtues are we strong on which we aren't on? And what's the predominant trait that is an obstacle for us to living our values. And then the last thing is action planning. So the very last day, so normally, this is sort of linked very much to some mentoring. Okay, that I've done, and experienced, been a mentee and have been mentored. Which there is a, an actual method of doing this. So you actually look at where you are now. Just call the reality of your life and say, Where do I? Where am I now? And then the, the actual, where do I want to get to, and we look at options to getting there. And then we decide what actions we need to do. So it's called the Grow mentoring model, its goals, reality options. And the last one is work. And when I was giving the workshop, they said, What do you mean by work? And work is really what to do next? It's not the how it's the what, what, what do we have to do? What actions? What are people could call resolutions? Some people good? Where are we going to work on. And the most important thing is not to have 10 or 12 actions or resolutions or areas we're going to work on, maybe pick the top three, or four. And whether that's just going to be an example of if we're a procrastinator, you know what, how am I going to stop procrastinating? What little step am I going to do? So what's my action plan for that? If I'm very impatient, am I going to do some deep breathing and make sure I don't interrupt anyone for the next week? You know, so all of those, where are we not? Where are our virtues, our personality traits, our lack of virtue, impeding us living our values, which is not being authentic. And it's like an audit of yourself. We don't think of ourselves as a business. But we are it serious, as I said earlier in your introduction of serious how we live our life. So we have to really think about it. And I think I was at a talk the other day, and I said, we really need to help people think, and we don't like it. And this links in very much to the first chapter of "The Way", which is one of the first books that St Josemaria Escriva. And honestly, it's very interesting, but his first chapter is all about character. And he talks about on point Number 16. Sorry, I've mislead the point. And yeah,

Maire Cassidy 18:37

You'd like this on a lot. It is interesting, though, as you say that the first chapter of his first book was all about character, as opposed to in other words, were the raw materials that we have to work with. Yeah, which I think is very encouraging. You know, that if we're good enough, you know, the raw material is good enough. But it's, it's the, you might say almost the seriousness with which we treat ourselves not heavy, but it sends a few taking yourself seriously that are worth the effort.

Helen Hughes 19:02

Yes. I'm sorry, more, I can't find the point. But it's in the first chapter that way. And it's all about that we don't want to face herself because we're cowards. And it takes work. And we takes time and reflection. So facing ourselves is actually very first part of character development. A lot of parents would know this about, you know, personal or character development. And this, but I think St. Josemaria knew very well, the danger of not facing yourself, because then we're just following the crowd. And we're just imbibing the values that are just around us, instead of deciding what values if we don't take time, set aside time to look at these values. We will just pick up all the values around it by osmosis, and we won't be purposeful and what's the word intentional about how we live our lives, we otherwise we get on the treadmill, we just keep action. Without that time for us action. There's lots of books about time, you there's time to think, by a lady called Klein, there's different books about this, the importance of reflection. Because we're living in this time, with all the distractions of technology and everything, it's actually pulling us away from thinking. And we have to be really careful about because the power to think is our greatest gift. And I think we use very, a small percentage of it, of the capacity we have for thinking and being intentional about how we live our lives.

Maire Cassidy 20:51

Very interesting book actually, I've "Stolen Focus" by Johann Hari. And he literally talks about exactly what you're saying there. Yeah, that it's it's a phenomenon that we actually, we just don't we can't think in the same way as we used to, because our focus has been stolen by so many other things.

Helen Hughes 21:08

So like, we have to get practical, yes, we actually have to allocate time for thinking.

Maire Cassidy 21:12

So how much time would you recommend?

Helen Hughes 21:15

Well, at work, we're all recommended to to put in book book at time for focus. And otherwise, we actually guard that time. So that the whole week isn't action, that we spend time reflecting on how we're doing as you're sort of monitoring. Because as I say it becoming authentic, it's a process. So any process requires monitoring, and evaluation, and seeing how we're getting on. And what are we going to do to redirect ourselves and reorientate. So the, that process, so I tend to do a lot of thinking on Sunday evening. And so it's sometimes it's to do with planning the week and, you know, since Sunday's I like it's a quiet evening, and I like to do and maybe an hour of thinking. And, you know, obviously, it's better to do let you do, everybody's going to have to find out their time, but it's important to carve out time to think it could be half an hour, you know, on a Friday or an hour, you know, we'll have to work that one out. There's no, there's no recipe there's no formula, but, but to actually, look, we'll never think if we don't actually schedule it. And it'll never happen. So we have to schedule it. And then the last thing, we want to do more as well. So we will get we're afraid. So just like Santos and Marie said we're cowards, the cowardice in us, will stop us facing ourselves and stop us thinking.

Maire Cassidy 22:58

And can I ask quite what what would what was the thinking process look like? Because for for some of us, and as you mentioned to the outset, Helen, that we tend to get straight into action? Yeah, our thinking could be very outcome focused. This week, we're going to meet I'm going to do I'm going to achieve, whereas I think what you're talking about is more self reflection in terms of how is it more? How am I going to show up? Or how would you talk us through that a little bit?

Helen Hughes 23:21

Yeah, showing up and reflecting on things that went well, and things that didn't what we learned from things. Were areas of our life, where maybe there's some inner relationship, clashes or whatever, how are we going to? Are some, whatever difficulties or challenges we're facing? How are we going to what's the best approach? And how are we going to so it's really linked to what's the reality of what's going on the reality of your life. That week, that month, and not daydreaming about what could be? What should be? Yeah, I think one of the podcasts was talked about should ISIS coulda, shoulda woulda, as you know, what's what's happening now? What can I do? And what will I do? Now, the reality of this week, this month, where I man, and it helps us be real and manage expectations, because otherwise we're daydreaming.

Maire Cassidy 24:29

And I liked the way you put it there. You say? What did what went? Well? Maybe some of the reasons we don't like to reflect because we think it's always going to be a negative space.

Helen Hughes 24:36

Well, that's that's quite characteristics we have as Irish people. Irish women, Irish women. Yeah, yeah. So absolutely. We look at what went well. What can we learn from so than? Yes, not all focus on the bad. Celebrating. The things that went well as the successes, the new approaches, maybe a little win? Maybe somebody He said to us, gosh, you're much more patient than you used to be. And somebody that gave us really good feedback, you know, because they do good feedback as well. And so it's important as well, if we have situations where we're coming across people, the we give them good feedback as well. When they do, it's not always negative feedback. We think feedback is negative, always. So that's, that's a skill in itself, how to give good feedback and managers and learn this all the time, you know, earlier how to give effective feedback.

Maire Cassidy 25:38

And as I suppose it used to describe there really, is that the purpose needs to be the starting point, but then it needs to need standard action, ie otherwise, there's no reality about it. And the purpose

Helen Hughes 25:46

can be simple. This is not a lot, you know, it's, it can be I want to be really competent, or I want to really contribute to my tennis club. And how am I going to do that? So because if you're spending energy and time on something, it's important. And so we're How are you going to do your best contribution there? Otherwise, what's the point? You know, do something else? We have, we have so much choice we have to select, with the timer limited time available, what's our priority? And then if that's we've given that priority, well, how are we going to show up there and contribute make the best contribution?

Maire Cassidy 26:25

Very good. Helen, is there anything that you haven't said that you'd like to finish with four hour,

Helen Hughes 26:31

probably lots of things more. But I like the Harvard Business Review, research, which said, we have the authentic leaders are authentic people lead with their heart and their mind. That's very nice. And that links into hearts and hearts.

Maire Cassidy 26:54

And just to say some of our listeners actually haven't did a wonderful presentation on this, as she has referenced in her podcast. And she has a wonderful presentation on a workshop that we had, or an overnight as we call them, in May, actually the beginning of May this year. So it was very, very popular. So we asked her to podcast it for those who missed it. So anyway, we'll be we'll be starting back with our overnights again in September.

Helen Hughes 27:18

Well, resources, they're available on the website. And we will include

Maire Cassidy 27:21

resources at the end of this podcast as well. So we'll find that point in the way as well as you were trying to.

Helen Hughes 27:26

Yes, that’s right. And also I think I have some reference to other other literature, who do

Maire Cassidy 27:31

you do, which will include that for our listeners? Well, thank you so much, Helen, for giving your time and to join us here on hearts and minds. Thank you to our listeners. And please keep the feedback coming in with suggested topics. And because we like to be able to reach you wherever you're at. Thank you